My life, strangah
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Ah, a look into the life of one of the strangest characters in Resident Evil. The Merchant. Enjoy, strangah.
1. Welcome, strangah

**Disclaimer: **Do I look like I own anything at all? Don't own RE.

**Inspired by** (I always do this)**:** The good people. Bandanas. Chicago Typewriter. (Does he have any inkribbons? xD)

**Warnings:** Some of my reviewers call me the Queen of Randomness. Don't like random? Then leave strangah! Mentions_ Resident Evil; Nemesis _aswell. Like once or twice.  
Okay, one more then. I have NOT finished the game yet. I always reset fun parts, so if something happens to Mr. Merchant in the game I can only say; Consider it undone.

_**Ready? ENJOY!

* * *

**_Ah, welcome strangah. I can tell you've been captivated by my neverending presence, and now you want to know who I really am. Well, I'm a merchant.  
I bet you guessed that already, because all I ever say is 'What're ya buying?', and the only people who want to sell things are merchants and those human beings that make commercialbreaks. Who are probably merchants themselves aswell.  
If you have met Leon he probably told you I have many brothers, but let me tell you this; He's wrong. I don't have any brothers at all, it's always the same person he came across. You think someone like me would have any brothers? God no, my mother went through enough trouble trying to raise just me. Imagine having to raise more than one!  
You don't like the sound of that, do you strangah?

Good, now that is out of the way we can get on with the real story.  
Do you know how hard it is to be a merchant? And how hard it is to have an accent like I do? I bet you don't, strangah. That's why you have to read my story, and my story alone.  
Forget Leon, he's overrated. Forget Ashley, she's nothing more than a pain in the neck. Forget Luis, even though he might be just as sexy as that guy with the chainsaw. I'm the real deal.

As I mentioned before, the life of a merchant can be hard, especially with an accent like this. I sell guns to many people, and to many who aren't people anymore aswell, and they always misunderstand me.  
Like this one time that Salazar came up to me, looking all tiny and... Well tiny alone will do. He wanted a weapon, he preferred a shotgun, but he said anything would do.  
So I told him, because at that moment it was the truth, "Not enough cash."  
"What?"  
"Not enough cash." I said again.  
"What?"  
"Not enough cash, strangah."  
Salazar tried to look up to me, but to no avail. "Did you just call me strange?"  
"What're ya buying?"

Okay, here's the first point I'm going to make in my story. The reason I only talk about buyin', sellin' and cash is because I don't want to get too friendly with the strangahs. They might think I will give them a discount if I become friendly, and that is, no matter who wants it, out of the question. If I gave everyone a discount I wouldn't have enough money to buy cardboard-cutouts of ganados I use to practice my own shooting-skills on. And what happens to a weapons-merchant that hasn't got great aim himself? He becomes a laughing-stock.  
I know what you're thinking now strangah, you're thinking; 'But you already are.' That is where you're wrong again. Believe me, had you needed my guns you would've considered me your hero, rather than some weirdo to entertain you when you're feelin' bored.

There are other reasons I need cash, but we will get to that some other day. I'm a busy man, I can't write everything down in one night. Even though I have an unlimited supply of inkribbons.

Ah, of course. Would you like to know where I got those?  
I got them at a fine day strangah. I was on vacation in a city inhabited by raccoons. Or that's what I thought anyway. When I got there I found out there were no raccoons in the city at all, just a lot of moaning people trying to eat me. After considering finding a city with less moaning people I decided to stay after all. I thought it would be good for my wallet, because there was one man always looking for weapons.  
He was rather fond of me, let me tell you that. I promised him I would give him a weapon if he brought me as many inkribbons as he could find. Yes, ribbons. He didn't look very loaded to me. With cash I mean, strangah.  
"S.T.A.R.S." He just moaned, and went away again. Now everybody always says I have a limited vocabulary, but that guy, well, he was much worse. But I didn't care, he did not practice shooting his rocket launcher on my face, so I let him be.  
Anyway, after a few hours he came back, loaded with inkribbons. He got so dirty from the ink I couldn't even see him before he moaned something. I gave him a gun, and he gave me a lot of inkribbons.

Which by the way is exactly the reason that Jill had trouble finding any. How was I supposed to know she wanted to be an author? I may be a gifted man, but I never attempted to read her mind. I thought nothing would be in there anyway.  
Maybe she wanted to write something dirty, I saw her with that Chris guy a lot. I did not attempt to read his mind either, he looked too boring to be interesting in the first place.

Oh my strangah, I told you about my inkribbons and you now know the reason I never give discounts. However I did not see time flies by so quickly when you're typing something. I still plan on going to Chicago to get a typewriter there, but we will get to that some other time aswell. I have to go now, the man with the chainsaw looks like he wants to buy something. I think he wants a...  
Never mind, he tried his chainsaw on my blue flame and caught on fire in the process. Hmmm, makes me wonder. Maybe I should set some ganados on fire with that next time I go out to sell something. It attracts a lot more attention than the regular flame.  
Indeed I might do that.

But now it's time to practice my amazing skills on some cardboard ganados. Because next time I go to Raccoon City I will be expecting some raccoons, and I have to make sure I'll be able to shoot them when they come for me.  
Until next time, strangah.

* * *

I had fun here. And I never write things like this. WHOOHOO. *Hyper mode*  
Don't worry, RE; Nemesis won't be mentioned again. Aye? Aye.


	2. Links to the 'outside' world

**A/N:** Hell-o, I came back. For some reason a lot of my reviewers from my WWE-fics now call me strangah. So I figured it's time to write another chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own RE4 or Mr. Merchant. Had I owned them I would've given Mr. Merchant more lines and appearances.  
**Inspired by:** COMPLETING THE GAME! Yesterday :D I wonder if he got off the island? I hope so...

* * *

Ah, welcome back strangah.

Lately many people have been asking me serious questions. Like 'What's wrong with your face?', 'Where do you live?', 'How come you're everywhere?' and 'What's your favorite color?'. I can answer all of those questions except for one.  
What is my favorite color? How am I supposed to know? I see everthing in black and white.

No, that's not true, though I am colorblind. But just look at my bandana and see for yourself.

Something else people have been asking me is whether or not I have contact with the 'outside world'. Well, what do you think strangah? That those weapons I sell just appear out of nowhere?  
I travel a lot you know, and I also have access to the Internet. As a matter of fact, without the internet I would be nowhere.  
Well, I'd be here, but with a lot less merchandise, let me tell you that.

Or there's the matter of people wondering if I ever get 'some'. When I ask them what 'some' is supposed to be they just snicker and make a dirty gesture. I usually shrug and chuckle, and ask them what they're buyin'.  
But yes, I do get 'some' every once in a while. It's not easy for a merchant to get a lot of 'it' because we're always working. But when we're not working, it's not like we turn into robots, hibernating until a new customer drops in.  
As a matter of fact, I have a young woman on my mind that keeps me busy when I'm not selling things. I'm not going into details, they might come later, but I have my eyes set on someone.  
I actually gave her a discount on the Broken Butterfly. I know I told you I never give discounts, but I just couldn't stop myself.

"Not enough cash, strangah."  
"Blegh." She mumbled.

So I sighed and gave her that discount. She walked away happy with a gun that was technically a little too much for her. But hey, you have to agree with me on the fact that women and powerful guns are a deadly, yet sexy combination.  
Yes they are. Just for the record though; Listen strangah, if you read this and decide to buy something from me, don't count on a discount. It was a one-time thing.  
I just felt bad for her. And I hope she doesn't end up accidently killing herself with that thing.

But that's all beside the point. I was supposed to tell you about my connections to the 'outside world'. And there's only one way to prove it, being like this.  
(I am including a conversation I had on MSN with Saddler.)

_Saddler says:_  
Why have you stolen it?

_Marky Mark says:  
_I didn't steal it, you're still wearing it, strangah

_Saddler says:_  
I am? Let me check the mirror.

_Saddler says:_  
You're right.

_Marky Mark says:_  
I'm always right strangah, I was born right.

_Saddler says_:  
I need a gun.

_Marky Mark says:  
_What kind of gun?

_Saddler says:_  
One that shoots bullets.

_Marky Mark says:  
_Not enough cash, strangah.

_Saddler says:  
_How the hell do you know?

_Marky Mark says:  
_I have a sixth sense.

_Saddler says:  
_PFFFF

_Saddler may not reply as his/her status has been set offline._

_Marky Mark says:  
_Ugh.

See? I even have MSN. I keep in touch with people like that dude with the chainsaw, Saddler, Salazar, Nemesis, Jill Valentine and what's his name again?  
Some other strangah.

Oh wait, yes. My name is Mark. My name is the reason I became a merchant... Merchant Mark sounds nice. Better than Surgeon Mark or Janitor Mark.  
But don't tell anyone strangah, because when people know your name they will act like they know you, and ask for discounts. I don't give them remember?  
I like being able to say 'Not enough cash, strangah'.

Anyway, next to msn I also have a cellphone, but nobody ever calls me except for Nemesis. And the conversations are always very short. I think he never knows when he's calling me, he probably just accidently sits on his cellphone and presses a button that dials my number. Which is odd, because I always thought that if that man sat down on something, anything at all, it'd broke into tiny little pieces.  
I'd love to give my number to others, but I already know they will end up calling me, asking where I am because they're in need of weapons... Not because they love talking to me. I never say much anyway.

My my strangah, I have a customer, so just a second please...

"What're you buying?"  
"TMP." That Leon man said.  
"Ah... Not enough cash, strangah."  
Leon grunted. "Plenty of cash!"

He turned around and reached into his backpocket, to prove he had the cash.

"There's a hole in your pocket, strangah." I said dryly.  
"Oh man, it was that snake in a crate, it bit me in the ass..." Leon said.  
"Too bad." I mumbled back.  
"I'll be back soon." Leon said, and walked away.

Halfway across the path he turned around.

"You sell pants?" He yelled.  
"Not a chance, strangah."

Well well, how sad. He's rather clueless, isn't he? Being bitten by a snake. You're supposed to take a few steps back when you see the snake, not make a fast turn. I know all about it.  
Hmmm, it's getting late, I need to set up my blue flame near the castle. I will be back later, and will be telling you about my hobbies and the object of my affections.

Goodbye and good night strangah.

* * *

Uhm... Wow. Not sure where THAT came from.

Ahwell, reviewers will get a Punisher, flamers will be shot with my rocket launcher. (That does NOT include constructive criticism.)


	3. Oh my ganados!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Mr. Merchant. If I did he'd have gotten MANY more lines and appearances.  
**Inspired by:** Ghehe, let's not go there.

* * *

Ehehehehe, thank you for coming back and reading some more, strangah.  
I just came back from 'work' and am rather excited. I sold so many guns today, I technically don't have to go back to sellin' stuff for at least a week. But it wouldn't feel right to do nothing, so I won't be staying home.

Anyway, last time we spoke, or I spoke, and you read, I told you I would be writing about my hobbies today, and perhaps the object of my affections.  
Do you honestly think I would tell you about things like that before telling you who I really am? Or maybe what I really am.  
Because I know you are one of those strangahs who has tried to kill me. Maybe you did it to test a gun, maybe you did it because my accent bothered you, or maybe you did it by accident.  
If you did it with a rifle you probably zoomed in on my face and wondered why the hell I'm wearing colored contacts. Maybe you found me strangely attractive because my eyes look so mysterious. Or maybe, probably, you didn´t give a damn and shot me.  
Well strangah, I'm not wearing any contacts. The thought of putting something on your eye seems very unnatural to me. No, I have eyes like these because I am one of them.  
Oh my ganados, I am one of them. Them! I'm not talking about florists, I'm talking about those strangahs you see in and around the village.  
Poor Saddler decided to give me 'awesome' powers, but he never got anything in return. Or not much anyway. The man was killed with a launcher that came from me. I almost felt bad for that.  
Yes, almost. Then I realised some strangah bought it at a high price, so instead of feeling bad I decided to count my money.

I may be a ganado, but there is no reason to worry about that, because I'm not posessed. Which is a good thing. One time I saw this movie and there was a posessed girl in it, she could turn her head 360 degrees! I tried to do the same, but only pulled a muscle. It hurt for a whole week.  
Indeed, the life of the posessed isn't that great.  
The biggest downside of it is the fact that there is a parasite living in my body, and it's not paying rent. Every time I check a mirror I'm reminded of that.  
Maybe it doesn't have enough cash. If it refuses to pay I will have to have it removed. I might get my own eye-color back.

Oh, lovely. The Leon-man is back. I wonder what he wants now.

"What're ya buying?"  
"Eh, do you have..." Leon's face turned red.  
In the back I saw that blonde girl standing, hopping around like a bunny.  
"Leooooon, make haste!" She yelled.  
"_You _ask him!" Leon yelled back.  
"What're ya selling?"

I saw Leon walk back to the blonde, Ashley I believe, and they started to talk. I wasn't close enough to overhear their conversation, so I have no idea what it was about. They looked like they were argueing though. Hmm, odd couple.

Leon came back to me. "Listen, I need eh..."  
"What'll it be, strangah?" I asked.  
"I need thingies, right? For the ladies." Leon said.  
"Condoms?" I asked.

Somehow that made Leon blush even more, and once again he walked back to the Ashley-girl.

"But Leon, it happened!" I heard her yell.  
"Did you not... You know?"  
"No, that's why I'm asking you to ask him!"

For a moment I felt bad for him.  
And he came back.

"TAMPONS!" He yelled.  
I wasn't sure what to say to that.  
"I need tampons!"  
"What're ya gonna do with those, strangah?" I asked.  
"Give them to her!"  
"Do I look like I sell those, strangah?"  
"No, but _she _made me ask!"

It's not hard to guess who would be in charge if those two were in a relationship. If I ever find a woman that makes me get tampons for her, I might have to practice my aim on her face.

"I don't sell those, strangah." I told Leon.  
"Oh, well. Sucks." Leon replied. "I'll raid a public bathroom for her, they usually have those in exchange for coins."  
"Too much information, strangah." I chuckled.

Finally, they left. Tampons.

I don't remember what I was going to say anymore, that one word threw me off guard. Why would I sell things like that? You can't shoot anything with it, neither do they cure wounds. Though I heard they are rather handy when you have a nosebleed.  
I'm sorry, too much information from my side now.

Just in case you're wondering, that Ashley is not the object of my affections. She has no idea how to defend herself, and she doesn't care about guns, so she's not interesting. I need a fiery woman, one that can keep up with me when I'm running from one post to another. Maybe one that can carry my backpack. I look horrible when it's on my back, I'm practically begging for a hernia.  
Ahwell, I might be taking my leave, strangah. That conversation with mr. Kennedy has confused me so much, I have no idea what else to tell you. Also, I need reload a lot of guns because I think the ganados want to separate my head from my body.

I do wonder though... Saddler is dead and Leon and Ashley are still around. Don't they have anything better to do than run around, looking for female hygiene products?  
Odd. I should ask them sometime.  
Or not.

Time to take my leave. Next time I will tell you about my hobbies and the object of my affections... Unless that Ada-woman comes around, asking for a bra. In that case I might have to shoot myself.

Until next time, strangah!

* * *

Oh my ganados, I chased away all male readers! *Le gasp* I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. I might write a one-shot soon, because updating is something I don't like. I have a writers-block the size of Uranus.  
Please R&R, and if not, come back when I do update. Next will be better. (I always say that, and people ALWAYS come back. Tsk.)


	4. The Object of my Affections

Yes sirree, thank thee all for reviewing and even adding it to your faves. I was like; Indeed, Mr. Merchant is loved. Whoopee doo doo or something.  
Updating already because I lent the game to my brother and I miss it ARGH. Addictive argh.

**Inspired by:** Several things. Including Tyger who reminded me of the fact you can equip those weirdass eggs. (I always shoot 'em?)  
**Disclaimer: **If you don't know by now I'm kind of amazed by the fact that you can read.  
**Random note: **Bloke is a word. British slang. I love British slang. I watch too much 'Teachers' and 'Two Pints of Lager'

* * *

It's my life strangah, and you're starting to learn more and more about it. How does that make you feel? I bet it makes ya feel like buyin' a gun. I have that effect on people.  
Either it's that, or my piercing glare that makes people want to buy things. Ah heck, as long as they buy, I ain't complaining.  
Now for the object of my affections.

I met her by accident, not too long ago. It was around that time that those strangahs were running around, wondering which gate to open.

"Will we be eaten by ganados?" Ashley asked that Leon.  
"Not if I have a say in it." Leon mumbled.  
"Okaaaay... So we'll just be killed by ganados." Ashley said nodding.  
"Nothing will kill us."

I saw the both of them walking around, pondering about fighting either the ganados, or that gigantic creature from which I forgot the name. El Gigante?

While they were argueing about which gate to open, and while they were fooling around with the lever, I saw a young woman walk by. This woman would later on become known as 'the one who got the discount'. I almost didn't see her because the arguement between the strangahs was distracting me in an amusing way. But I'm glad to tell you she didn't pass by unnoticed. I don't think she's capable of doing that anyway.

Just when the Ashley-girl had opened the right gate again I glanced away and my eye caught a figure wandering around the shady shack. With a strange sense of grace the figure, I by then realised it was a woman, walked right into the wood of which the shack was made off.  
I was rather surprised to see the whole thing didn't collapse, I mean, you might've seen the shack, did it look sturdy to you strangah?  
I thought it didn't.  
The woman however wasn't as sturdy as the wood, and with a tud and a splash she gracefuly landed in a puddle.

"Ughhhhhh, didn't see that coming." She mumbled. I could hear she was annoyed. Then again, who wouldn't be?  
I couldn't help myself here and broke the rule of only talking about buyin', sellin' and guns. "I bet it didn't see you comin' either, strangah!"  
She just glared at me, got back on her feet and walked away. I may look emotionless to you strangah, but seeing her butt walk away on those legs made even my heart jump a lil'.  
The glory of the female body...  
Ah, I'm sorry, I got distracted.

Anyway, that obviously wasn't the last time I saw her, strangah. I'm not the type of bloke to believe in 'love at first sight'. The only thing I ever loved at first sight was the Chicago Typewriter, and believe me, I never ended up marrying it.  
Which is a shame, really.

The second time I came across her was when I was at my shop. You know, the one you end up in when you get on the lake and make a wrong turn? That one.  
I was standing around, looking for the rifle ammo I was supposed to have lying around, and suddenly heard the motor of a motorboat. After a few minutes of hearing nothing she entered through the hole in my roof.  
Please don't ask me why there is hole in my roof, I have a good reason for it, but we're not going there now. Well, you're not going there. I am there already.  
Hmmm, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the things I should be concentrating on. I hope it don't bother ya, strangah.

But yes, she entered through the hole. I was obviously surprised to see a pair of legs appearing in front of me, I really had to resist the urge to pull and see what would come out. But I didn't, I'm a nice man.  
When I want to be anyway.  
And instead of Leon, who is the only person who usually appears through the hole, don't ask me why, I have no idea, there she was. When she landed on the floor, once again on her butt and with a thud, she was shocked to see me there. For some reason she was holding a can of hairspray.

"Do not come any closer!" She yelled, threatening with the spray.  
"There ain't nothin' wrong with my hair, lil' lady."  
"You spoke!"  
"Indeed I did, strangah, what're ya buyin'?"

She threatened me in my own 'house' or whatever you wish to call it. And on top of that she was surprised by the fact I am capable of speaking. How rude, don't ya agree strangah?

"Buyin'?" She repeated me. "Like what?"  
"Ehehehe..."

I saw her look around and felt a little nervous. I'm not used to havin' women around, usually they don't care about anything. Except tampons, but we already discussed that matter.

"I'm lost..." She finally said.  
"Lost?"  
"Lost. You know, like those tv-series? Only I didn't crash a plane?"  
"Oh yes, lost. Where're ya goin' strangah?"  
"I don't know."

She started to twist a milk chocolate-colored bang around her finger and sighed. "Where should I go?"

I shrugged. "I ain't no psychic, strangah."  
"You look like one."  
I chuckled my merchant-chuckle and waited for her to leave. If she wasn't interested in buyin' anything, I didn't need her here.  
"Are you one of them?" She asked.  
"I am one of many 'thems' strangah..." I replied. It appeared she wasn't going to leave.  
"Listen, I need to go to that village, which way to go?"  
"The right way."  
"Tsk, you're no help." She mumbled. "Take me there?"

Was that the moment she became the object of my affections? I think it was. It was very tempting to say yes and go with her, but that just ain't my style.

"Listen lil' lady, I can get ya away from this lake, but I ain't takin' ya anywhere."  
"Hmmm, just take me away from here, I'm sick of water."  
"Gheh."

So I took her on that damn boat and got her a little closer to the village. I gave her some direction and disappeared again. I always disappear like a snake from a crate, which would be when you least expect it.  
When I got home I took off the insane amount of clothes and smirked at my image in the mirror. "Hello there, strangah!" I flashed myself a smile.  
No, that ain't workin' for me. I'll stick to the 'Hell-o, I am the merchant and if ya don't buy anythin' just scram'-look I've always had. No point in changing appearance when it won't work fer ya.

So that was the second time. The third time I gave her the infamous discount, and the fourth... Well, we might talk about that later. I can hear someone approaching my shop, so it's time for business.  
Ah, it's Leon and Ashley again. They're still here? Didn't that island blow up? If ya ask me, having an island blow up when you're practically sittin' on it is reason enough to get as far away from there as you possibly can.

Hm, for some reason Leon entered through the door. That's a first.

"What're ya buyin'?" I asked.  
"Hmmmm."

He was holding something in his hand, I could see it. It didn't look very dangerous though.

"So... Just to check." Suddenly he threw something my way. I stepped aside and when I turned around I saw he just tried to 'egg' me. Too bad for him  
he failed though, the stuff was now on the wallpaper.  
"Ya gonna clean that, strangah?" I asked.  
I heard the Ashley-girl sigh in the background. "That was so pointless, Leon."  
"Awww, I have to?' The blonde asked me.  
"Yes, clean strangah." To show him I was serious I picked up a custom TMP.  
"Okay, fine."

While the other strangah and I watched the strange blonde man cleaned up the mess. I wonder why he did that, if that was an attempt to kill me, has still has a lot to learn.  
Makes me think... How'd they survive on that island? How'd they survive anything at all? I think that man might be missing some imporant braincells.

"So, why'd ya do that strangah?"  
Leon grinned. "It worked!"  
"Leon, come on, I want to go home." Ashley said.  
"Why?" I asked again.  
"To see if you were capable of saying something that doesn't have anything to do with weapons!"

He egged me to see if I really had a limited vocabulary. How very strange.

"So you did that to see how limited my vocabulary really was?" I asked confused.  
"Aha, yeah." Leon said. "We can go home now, Ashley!"

The blonde girl cheered and they left again. They didn't buy anything, which is a shame, really.  
So the only reason they didn't go home yet was because that bloke wanted to know if I had a working brain.  
I think he's missing braincells himself indeed. More than I am, that's a fact.

Well strangah, it'd be time for me to take my leave now. I have some unfinished business to take care of, and I will see you again later.  
Or you will read me again later, which seems a lot more logical.

Until next time, strangah!

(Unless you're interested in buyin' anything? I got something that might interest ya! Ya see this 'ere? It's called a shotgun... I call her the Striker. 'Cause she looks so striking, don't ya agree? Oh, not interested? It'd be foolish to leave your house without 'er strangah! If you end up in trouble and have no way to defend yourself, don't come blamin' ol' me mate! Oh, you're leavin'? Well... Night night strangah! Night night...)

* * *

HUZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. (Don't ya just love that word)  
I had fun writing. A LOT. I hope YOU had fun reading! That's why I write in the first place aye.

Hmm for some reason my ol' brother gave me back the game. Guess what I'm going to do now!  
(If you say 'Watch the Simpsons' you're right)  
UNTIL NEXT TIME! (I hope)


	5. Dr Salvador

Armed with cookies, Fanta and fags, let is us write a... Crackfic. As always.  
**Disclaimer: **Triple T still doesn't own RE4. RE4 and characters are owned by Capcom.  
**Inspired by**: The fact I had a toenail removed. Pulled out by the doctor. The horror. And some other things... Like Pickwick. (Gotta love Ice Tea argh!)  
**Warnings**: Ewwwww-alert I think. XD XD Nah, not that much.

* * *

What're ya buyin'?  
Nothing again strangah? I let you read this and still you refuse to show me the cash? You're worse than that parasite living in my body, at least that thing has the decency not too annoy me too much. Though I still think it's a sad thing it doesn't pay rent. Maybe I should name it, so it becomes friendly.  
Yeah, good idea, I christen thee Pickwick. Because I like the sound o´ that.

But strangah, here's the thing. Many people have been asking me about that woman. You know, the 'one-who-got-the-discount'. Technically I would not mind telling you some more, but at this moment there is a more important matter that needs to be addressed. It's the matter of my... toenail.  
My my strangah, one day everything was fine, and the next day it turned completely black. I decided to let it rest for a while, but after a few days it started to bother me. I have nice feet, strangah, and a black nail was not something I was waiting for.

As a matter of fact, one time, when I was out sellin', it started to hurt. It started to hurt badly and I did what seemed the logical thing to do, I took off my boot. Now you need to realise this happened back then, when Saddler was still alive. As a matter of fact, even Mendez was still alive.  
So I took the boot off and someone happened to walk by. It was, yes indeed, the big cheese. He looked at me and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was sellin' things, but he didn't listen. He was staring at my pretty feet, probably wondering what it would be like to lick them.

Don't give me that look strangah, I mean it. When I was near the church I heard the women in blue mumbling about Mendez' fetish for feet. I always thought that was rather a sexy thought, because had Mendez not looked so dead, he would've been pretty sexy. But when he started to eye my feet, I got a little uncomfortable.

"What're ya buyin'?" I asked to break the silence.  
"Hmmm, nothing today... You have nice feet."  
"Ehehehe, thank you."  
"But that nail..." Mendez shook his head "looks horrible."  
"Ehehehe..."  
"Is that nailpolish?"

Nailpolish? That caught me off guard. Give me a break will ya, first tampons, now nailpolish? What's next? Dresses?  
I sure hope not.

"It is not, strangah." I said.  
"Please, call me chief."  
"Ehehehe."

He hit on me, I swear to God.

"You should see a doctor, I know a very good one. He has many relatives that are probably still alive." Mendez said.  
"Is that so..."

Mendez gave me a card. Who knew ganados had cards? I'm a merchant and even I don't have a card!  
Hmmm, maybe I should get sum. You know, they might come in handy.

_Dr. Salvador.  
__Only available after church-hours. Do not bring any explosives, it scares the wife.  
__Also available for tattoo's, piercings and other body mods.  
__Call for an appointment between 3 and 9.  
__0909-666-999-666_

"Dr. Salvador? I never heard of him." I said.  
"He's good, look, he fixed my eye!"

The horror strangah, the horror I saw! He took out his eyeball and shoved it up my face.

"Looks good, does it not?" He asked.  
"Very good indeed, strangah." I said muffled. Technically I always sound muffled, but it seemed like a nice way to end a sentence this time. Don't ya agree strangah?  
"Please, call me chief."  
"Ehehehe."  
"Go see him!" Mendez said before turning around and walking away.

So I called him and made an appointment for the next day. When I arrived there the next day his 'wife' told me to wait a second. Or something like that. It sounded more like 'keep your pants on' but that didn't make a lot of sense to me.  
After a few minutes I heard a strange roaring sound and when I turned around I saw a man enter. His face was covered, but I decided not to pay attention to it. I'm sure you realise mine is covered too.

"I help you yes? You want what? Nose-piercing?" He asked me.  
"Eh, my nail. It's black."  
"Black? Why?" Dr. Salvador asked. "You put on paint?"  
"No... It turned black just like that."  
"Just like what?"  
"Eh, the same way Michael Jackson just turned white?"  
"Ah Jackson, yes, si, si..."

Let me tell ya this, strangah. When ganados do the 'Thriller' dance, it's just that much better.

"Ehehehe." I just chuckled. What else to do?  
"You come, show me black si?"  
"Sisi... Ehehehe."

He made me sit down on a table and stared at my foot for many minutes. I was wondering if he was visually impaired but just when I wanted to leave, he touched it.

"I know." He said.  
"Know what, strangah?"  
"I know I fix your foot yes?"  
"Yes..."

The doctor went away for a minute, and while I was sitting around, humming the A-Team theme, I suddenly heard that roaring noise again.

"Sera mejor que empiezes a rezar." He said before appearing out of the blue and sawing my whole toe off.  
"You coulda warned me, strangah." I said sighing. Looking at my bloody foot I wondered why I sold that Leon-man my last first-aid spray.  
"Eheheeeeeeee." Dr. Salvador cheered. "You have pain too in arm, si?"  
"Hell no." I said, before pulling out a shotgun. With the perfect aim I have I only needed two shots to decapitate him. I had to, I think he wanted to separate my head from my body. And that just ain't gonna happen, right strangah?  
Right.

So my point in tellin' ya this is to show you how you should not look down on Dr. Salvador. He may have some strange issues, he may not be a good doctor, but he did rid me of that evil nail.  
And of that toe, which probably means Mendez ain't attracted to me anymore. Or wasn't, he's rather dead right now. Then again, I can't tell for sure, because he's been looking dead all along.

Just like Michael Jackson, now I think of it. Hmmmm.

Oh yes, my last point for the day?  
When Salvador disappears into a backroom, you better start praying.

So I must take my leave now, strangah. No women-stories for the day, I am rather done typing right now. So unless you feel like buyin' anything, I say until next time.

(Well? Buyin' anything? How 'bout that attaché case? The large one? Should never leave home without it, strangah! It's very handy, with a bit of chopping and folding you could fit a whole ganado in there! Maybe even two! Or one o' those cows. Ya know what I'm talkin' about! The large fire in Pueblo is burnin' again, I did that, 'cause I got cold. Maybe you can come over and barbeque with me sometime.  
No not for free... Ehehehe strangah, don't be silly. Buy the case, stuff the cow inside and come see me.  
No? Maybe sum other time. Nighty night strangah, nighty night.)

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A/N: According to gamefaqs "Sera mejor que empiezes a rezar." means "You Better start praying"  
Oh yeah, thanks for reviews on previous chapters aye. I appreciate it big time. :D


	6. What're ya buyin?

I know, it took me forever to update. I was busy... _I apologise._

**Disclaimer:**I do not own RE4. Neither do you probably. Unless your name is Capcom and you like to hide snakes in crates.  
**Thanks for the reviews. I appreciate it big time.**

A little short, but I am not very inspired. I'm tired, I slept for 5 hours, which is not enough. Oh who cares, it's short, but next will be much longer!

**Enjoy.**

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Welcome back, strangah!

You're all starting to annoy me, ya know that? Or well, annoy... Something like it anyway. Ya ask me questions about only one thing; The-one-who-got-the-discount. That's all nice strangah, but there is more to life than love. Weapons for example, or food. Ya never ask me about my favorite colour, which would be blue, or what my favorite pastime is. I do have hobbies strangah, a lot of them as a matter of fact. Music is something I enjoy just as much as the next person.  
But no, you're interested in things that technically you don't need to know about. Remember this strangah; Curiosity killed the cat. Or the merchant killed the nosy strangah.  
On top of that ya always leave without buyin' anything. I find it hard to believe you don't need guns to survive strangah... I have many good things on sale, but when you're done reading about my life, you just leave. Or drop a comment and leave, which I actually like.

So once again today I will not give you any more information about the one who got the discount. Today I will do what I always do, which would be make an attempt to sell **you **things. It's about time you'd spend some cash... Nothing comes cheap in life, strangah.

So here we go strangah, would you be interested in buyin' a hand gun? I recommend the Punisher, it will blast a hole through two enemies! If ya buy a few more upgrades it might actually blast through even more than just two, but two is enough for a rookie like yourself. I like this gun because not only is it very powerful, but it also goes well with a lot of outfits. Especially the female strangahs will be interested in hearing that, I know how much you care about outfits.

No Punisher for you strangah? Ya don't know what you're missing out on!

Then how about a shotgun? I recommend the Striker because if you upgrade it to its fullest capacity it will hold up to one hundred shotgun shells! I know strangah, I don't sell the ammo so you'll have a hard time filling it up, but if you pay the cash for it I will throw in some free ammo. Then again, I doubt you do, so don't lose your head over it.  
Ehehehe, if you buy the Striker you will never have to lose your head over anythin'. Other people might lose their heads though, but that's only a good thing I suppose. Unless you plan on trying it out on me, because that will cost you dearly.

Oh, no shotgun either eh? What a waste, you should never leave home without one. They might not be the easiest to handle, but the rewards are great strangah... You'll never have to worry about anything ever again.

Well, I gotta say, you strike me as a kind of person that could appreciate a good rifle. If ya like to look cool you should get a regular one, but if you're all for faster firing and better aiming I suggest you get a semi-auto one. It's all about the handling of a gun, and a rifle is not something you should buy because it makes ya look cool. As a matter of fact, you look cool enough already strangah, no need to worry 'bout that!  
Ya need to beware of those regenerators though! If ya plan on taking some of them out aswell, I suggest you get an infra-red scope aswell. Or else you'll end up eaten before you're able to scream fer help. That'd be such a waste strangah.

I mean a waste of cash. If you're eaten you won't use yer cash to buy my guns, but instead it will go to your headstone. I don't like graveyards strangah, so there'd be nothing in it for me. And I gotta make sure I got plenty of things to eat, right?

No handgun, no rifle, no shotgun... You're pretty dull, aren't ya, strangah? Maybe you should just get a rocket launcher and fire away when ya see some crows. It's not like you'd be able to shoot something with a regular gun anyway, right?

Yer sayin' I'm wrong? Of course you're allowed to prove it strangah, but that gun ain't gonna pay fer itself! Excuse me? Ya think I'm saying you probably have bad aim because I want to sell ya something? How can you think that, strangah? That ain't like me, I have a way with words, I don't need to insult someone to sell.  
You may be a customer that refuses to buy somethin' but let me tell ya this, there are plenty that do buy from me when they see me. Some even look forward to the day they meet me again, because of my charming accent and excellent merchandise.

What are ya up to strangah? Oh strangah, strangah, now that's a weapon! My, I see you have an eye for things, gun's not about shootin', it's about reloadin'. You'll know what I'm talkin' about!  
I gotta say though, I doubt you're carrying enough cash fer that... I know she's a beauty, but I don't think you'll be able to handle her. I doubt your wallet will be able to handle her aswell, it's not big is it...  
Ah, paper cash eh? Ya won't hear me complain 'bout that! However, if it proves to be fake I will follow you around and decapitate you, just fer the sake of fair business.

Are ya interested in buyin' her? Her name is the Broken Butterfly, a Magnum Revolver. Probably one of the most powerful guns out there. I gotta say the Killer7 is just as good, but it doesn't quite live up to the looks of the Butterfly, am I right?  
Magnum rounds aren't cheap, and you might have a hard time finding 'em scattered around, but once you do you'll have absolutely nothing to worry about anymore. Except people tryin' to steal it, but it takes only one bullet to take 'em out.

Oh, yer not interested again? Strangah, you're worse than Krauser, who couldn't choose between the Striker and the Riot-gun. Sad thing really, I eventually persuaded him into buyin' both, though I think that might not work on you.

I think... Excuse me? You're not here to buy but to eye me? Strangah, you might make me blush. If I had the ability to anyway. But no, I can't go on a date with ya, I already have someone else on my mind, and ya know that very well!  
Oh, so if I don't tell ya anything about her, you'll keep on comin' back and asking about 'er eh. Yer a pain in the ass sometimes, strangah, but I'm flattered.  
But fine. If ya want to know about the one who got the discount, you will know about her. Next time though, I have some things to do right now... So if you're not buyin' anything I suggest you leave right now.  
I'm expecting a special customer soon, and you're not supposed to know he's still alive. He needs to upgrade his rocket launcher, and... No, strangah, not Nemesis. Really, he's dead.

Oh, you remember me telling you about how he still calls me. How foolish of me to tell ya that.  
But yes, Nemesis will be here soon and... Where ya goin'? Oh, to make a run for it?

Good plan!

_Come back anytime_.

* * *

Better buy something, strangah! Tsk. Reviews are appreciated. Indeedy. Until next time.


	7. Pickwick

Thanks for reviewing, I like knowing what people think about it, it´s not like I´m writing this only for myself anyway. Mostly for the fellow Merchant-fans. Gheh.  
I'm sorry for taking so damn long to update. I was busy doing important things like baking cookies and posting in cults at Vampirefreaks. Thanks Kira for reminding me!

**Inspired by**: Great weather really... And eh... People keep asking who the woman is. And a review!  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Mr. Merchant. I own Pickwick though, or at least its name. God, I don't even own Pickwick, it's a tea-brand. Lmao.  
**Dedicated to:** Sorryll. Because she still hasn't killed me despite the fact I'm always, always, always fangirling. *Fangirls* :D

**NOTE: Pickwick is merchant's plaga. I wasn't sure whether you remember or not. **

**Enjoy please.**

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'Ello there, strangah! How have you been doing? Oh no, please don't tell me, I need to concentrate on writing this. Tell me after I'm done here, we can talk all ya want then, ehehehe.

Listen up, strangah, you keep asking me too many questions. ´Who is the woman?', 'Can I have a first-aid spray?', 'How's Pickwick doing?'. You're too curious, strangah, there is no need for you to know everything!  
Lemme tell ya this though; You do not know her. Unless you are her, but I doubt that she's reading this, I don't think she likes to read. She's not stupid or anything, she just doesn't have the patience for it. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if every time she read something, she would spill her drink on it. She's very clumsy, remember?

I can give you a name, an age and maybe even some additional information, but that's all you're going to get today.

Hmm, come to think of it... I'm not even giving you that. There are many important things I need to tell you about, and my stories about women will have to wait for a little while. Maybe next time, strangah.

No, there's something more important for the day, and it does not involve tampons of Mendez, so there's no need to make a run for it. Or so I hope.

It's about Pickwick. I will tell you how I got Pickwick. Ya know what is so nice about having it named Pickwick? The fact that now it almost sounds like I have a pet... A few days ago I caught myself talking to it. I was closing up for the night and someone knocked on the window. There was a woman there, another woman, not _that_ one, and she needed ammo. While unlocking the door again I said 'Well Pickwick, they're throwing themselves at me these days... Those women!'.

I imagined Pickwick snickering and sold the woman some ammo. It was a nice conversation.

So about Pickwick. Once upon time, many months ago, he was still hiding in a syringe, waiting for a monk to inject him into someone's neck. That was obviously my neck, or else it wouldn't be living inside of me right now.

Pickwick was leading a very happy life until he met the monk, did ya know that strangah? Those plagas were all leading happy lives until someone put them away to use 'm for their own advantages. It's a sad thing really, I think Saddler used so many of them that they are now a threatened species. Soon Greenpeace will be fighting for them too, I assure you. 'Save the plagas, kill a monk' or something like that.

So Pickwick was waiting for me, though he didn't know that yet. Neither did I until Saddler came to visit me.

"So... Feeble human..." He stared at me while his staff was making some sick movements.

"What're ya buying?" I saw my chance here... Saddler looked very loaded to me. With cash anyway. And I wanted to make sure he was going to be loaded with weapons too. I never sold him anything though...

"Let me give you power..."

I thought he was talking about making me something like a Ninja Turtle, but I was wrong. When he explained the powers I declined and not much longer he drugged me. I woke up in a chair, staring at Saddler's face on a painting. Not a great way to wake up, if I might add.

"Readeh fo yo powehs?" Some monk asked. He was obviously from the ghetto.

"No." I frowned. "Beware, I got guns."

"Aiiight."

He left me there and I tried to get away, but I was a bit tied-up at the moment. For some reason the chair wasn't secured to the ground and when I wiggled a little it tipped over. There I was, on the ground, tied to a chair that would give me a worse hernia than my backpack ever could.

"Are you resisting our... What the hell are you doing?" Someone's voice came from above me.

Guess who it was... No, not El Gigante... It was the big cheese! I'm sorry, it appears I promised you you wouldn't hear about Mendez, but there he is again!

"I'm inspecting the floor, strangah." I mumbled with my face in the dust. Gross floor, Saddler in my opinion should've hired a cleaning lady.

"Oh..." Mendez, being all gigantic and strong lifted me and the chair from the ground and set me, or us, back up again.

"Power." He mumbled. I saw he was holding a needle.

"What ya gonna do with that?"

"Give you power, soon you will be unable to resist." He chuckled.

That is when Pickwick came in the picture. Now here's the thing... It appears that Pickwick was supposed to make me vulnarable and obey Saddler, but it didn't work on me. All Pickwick ever did was make me cough up blood, which was freaky, but not as bad as I expected it to be.

The reason nobody can control my mind is because... I have no soul.

Tsk, don't tell me you believe that, strangah. It's all because of Raccoon City. I went there once, remember? Because I wanted to see some raccoons? But instead of raccoons I found zombies and my friend Nemesis, who for some reason still keeps calling me.

Anyway, during my time in Raccoon City I was stupid enough to get bitten. Technically, when you get bitten, you will be infected and a little later you turn into a zombie too. That didn't happen to me, because I got the anti-virus! And who brought it to me? It was Nemesis!  
He liked me, that gigantic freak. Probably because I gave him that rocket launcher. And when he saw me hurt he gave me that anti-virus.

I don't think he knew what he was doing, but I was happy with it so decided not to question his motives.

So I got the antivirus and I was cured, but it had some side-effects. Apparantly one of them was the fact that that parasite didn't do anything bad for me. I have a power, oh jolly. I have a power, but nobody has power over me. And that makes me quite happy, strangah.  
So ever since I've been living with Pickwick, who also has some side-effects, but nothing I can't live with.

Now you know the story of me and Pickwick, and that means I can finally get to the more important parts of my life. But we can do that some...

Oh a customer.

"Hnn, you again, aren't you dead yet?" A man stepped into my shop and stared at me. He was heavily decorated with... A mutant arm?

"Ah, strangah. What're ya buyin'?"

"Do you sharpen knifes too?" Jack Krauser was bored and experiencing a problem he had never had before.

"Sure thing strangah, anythin' for cash."

He held up his mutant arm blade. "It's blunt." He frowned. "Sharpen it and I'll give you a Spinel."

I nodded and guided him to the back of my, if I might add awesome, shop. There I happily sharpened Krauser's mutant arm blade. I can now honestly say I think I've seen it all.

"So have you seen Leon around lately?" The blond man was trying to make some conversation. "Can't find him."

"No strangah, I have not..." I frowned, didn't he blow up with the island? "How cum you're still alive?"

"Wesker."

Hnnnn, that strangah sure doesn't say a lot. Ahwell... I shrugged, if he kept coming back to get weapons or sharpen his blade I ddin't care how it was possible that he's still alive. After he was satisfied with his blade he gave me a Spinel and left the shop. So now I can finally close up and call it a day.

Listen strangah... I know I promised y'all that I would tell you more about that woman, but it doesn't seem right yet. I think it might be better if...

Oh phonecall. Damn strangahs these days.

"'ELLO THERE strangah!" Wait, did I sound a little too cheerful there?

Nobody replied, all I heard was some heavy breathing.

"What're ya buyin'?" I decided to play it safe.

"S.T.A.R.S." Oh, Nemesis again eh?

"Not enough cash, strangah! What're ya sellin'?"

"CUPCAKES."

Then he ended the conversation, probably because he accidently pressed all buttons at once.

Wait. Did Nemesis learn a new word? How odd...

Ahwell, listen up strangah, it's time for me to leave. My back hurts and my scarf is killing me. Well, in a manner of speaking anyway, I do not have a killer-scarf so do not worry.

Maybe rather than waiting for me to write something random again, like today I was talking about Pickwick, you can ask me some questions? And while you're at it maybe you can have your weapon upgraded? Just sayin' strangah, just sayin'...

I promise you that I will answer every single one of your questions with the truth. Unless you're outta line. Don't get pervy, strangah, and make sure you don't lose your head over it.

Until next time.

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My back hurts and it's almost 4 am. I need to... Watch Becker! XD Haha. I promise I will update again MUCH sooner. Promise!  
And eh... You know. Reviews are appreciated, flamers will be beaten up with a plastic bottle, and come back anytime.

TTT


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